Carpe Diem

2008-07-16T22:06:25Z

So pretty much when ever I think I always tend to drift into that form of thinking. The "live today, die sometime later" kinda thing. Well. I really love that way of thinking. It's not planning for the future, but living while we can because live is too damn short. Even though by the time I get to be an old lady some douche scientist will have already cured death. [Bad idea]. I know this sounds hella weird, and hell, it should. But I can't wait to die. Not in the creepy emo way. But like... I can't wait to get older and make even more of a difference than I have already ya dig? I can't wait to have grandkids and tell them how FRICKEN SWEET it was when the iPod first came out. How giddy you got when someone made you a mix tape, or when you heard that we had a black man and a woman going at it for the democratic nomination. I'm sorry; I think that's just effing cool! It doesn't matter [ok yes it does] if McCain wins, we'll still have had the experience of almost having a change and something written in the history books. I want to tell my kids that I voted for "the first black president". GOD that's so rad.

Another reason why I love that saying is because I always think of this one time in Pommer's class when we were talking about sex [haha] and he brought up carpe diem. Now, I've never really put six and nine together on that one until then... and it really made sence. Like... If you are at your sexual peak of life, why not enjoy it! It'll never be the same ever again. Now yes, we all know those pesky consequences, but really... Why don't we have more sex? Or am I just really out of the loop on this whole getting it on the the sake of living thing? I dunno. But it really changed my prospective on a lot of things. Weird how one teacher could really make that much of a difference in your life like Pommer. I really miss that guy. I only actually miss like 3 people. And he is at the top of that list.

Another thing... I work for a living obviously. But why are we working? So we can have the same comfort level as The Jones'? Because they really don't live all that well. They aren't really living. They get up, work, come home, and go to sleep, repeat. And WHERE IS THE FUN IN THAT?! Where's the excitement, the adventure!? I don't see it! I don't know why people could do that to themselves. I get that they want to have "the best life possible for their kids" but live shouldn't consist of just work. You work hard, you play hard. And I just don't mean party or go on vacation. I mean really just have a fun time. I know it's really lame, but pick up a game of scrabble or something. It's fun and educational if you're really into that stuff. And it's competitive. Hell, just get out and do something. Don't force your kids into some lame sport that you like more than they do. It's not fair to them. I was never pushed into that kinda stuff, and now I can't kick a soccer ball straight to save my life, but if I ever play soccer now, it's not for a team, living or anything like that. It's fun the fun of getting down and dirty with a ball and some good friends.

Speaking of friends. We've all had our issues with people. And really if you look really hard into anyone's soul you'll find something wrong about them. But that's really not a reason to be friends with them anymore. I mean... Unless you really CAN NOT trust them, why are you wasting your time being mean to them? Just shut them out and let it be. [Beatles haha]. It's really not that hard to not be friends with someone. But if that person thinks you are still friends because you still make them think you are still great pals, well now whose fake? You are. And I don't mean that badly, but it's a bit on the hypocritical side. You have to be able to see the good in people too. It's not like you have to be friends with people that are perfect. No one is. I know that's sooo lame and totally a cop out line, but it's pretty honest when you look in depth of it.

When you look in the mirror the person looking back at you is so warped. You see those little imperfections that no one else sees. I get it how people can have an eating disorder [I had one for like 3 years] but I got over it when I really realized that I had an issue. Eating nothing but 4 pieces of bread a day is not healthy, and it didn't make me skinny, so I stopped and really just started eating again. And not it's a bit out of control, and it's going to be okay, but yeah... ughh.. Ok. Back onto the body image thing... It's not healthy to be 90 pounds and 5'5. No. It's not. You look like a damn skeleton. You do it because you see that you are fat and people aren't going to like you. Well in the truth, people are only friends with you because they feel like they can change you. [Another flashback to Pommer's class] People naturally want to help things. And we just want to help you see how you really look. You would be sooo pretty if you gained a bit of weight.

Ok. Love time. I understand I that really should just be like, ok. What’s the worse that could happen? But I really don’t' think like that. A LOT can happen. I'm not looking to get hurt. I'm not looking to be in love. I'm not even looking for someone for just a good fuck once a week. I'm looking for someone that I can be best friends with. I'm looking for someone that I don't call my boyfriend, there are no benefits. I honestly just really miss having a best friend that's a guy. I miss having someone that I can talk to honestly about what's going on and he won't judge me. God I miss that. I don't want you to feel like you have to babysit me. I'm 18 I can do that myself thanks. I want someone that can make me smile no matter what and have great taste in music and would make me data cds so I can have some good new music too. And it's really weird, but I've never had all of that at once before. I've had all of it from different people at some point or another, but not all of it. I just... I want something good ya know? And I'm sick of waiting. Carpe Diem remember? And like, I want to be able to talk to people better. Right now it's my job to be all nice and shit to costumers, but I HATE it. It's not that I don’t' love people or anything like that. I just don't know how to talk to people that I don’t know and that I'm forced to be besties with. [Goddamn when I became this person]

Fame. Ok, here's the thing with fame, it's a losing thing. You will lose it eventually. Always. There is no way that you will be the star of every show. I'm not talking about like Miley Cyrus or whatever. I'm talking like that one person that is in everyone's life that thinks that they are just one step above everyone else. We all have those people. And most of the time [in my case anyways] they aren't going to be in any of our lives anymore. They are taking themselves away from us. And I think that they are doing it out of sheer boredom and hatred for us [the people that aren't them]. It will go away. You're spotlight will fade. But you know what; I'm not going to stop you from leaving. I'm not even going to say goodbye, because you wouldn't say it to me if I was leaving. You'd be happy that there is one less of us to have to deal with.

That's another thing. I might have a chance to leave. I might be going up to Central Washington University in the fall if not in winter. So why? Why am I going up there? Why am I doing something that costs like 8 times more than community college for the same education with NO ONE that I know? That's the thing though. I need more people in my life than the ones I have right now. I love you guys to death, but I have to start living. I have to get more than 10 miles from my house for more than a week. I have to start new. And I'm scared shitless. But it's okay because I'm living for today, not for my future [even though I am going for education, I'm going for a whole life journey, not just a book list and a lecture everyday.] I'm going because I need to learn. I need to live; I need to learn I need to love.

I know there are TONS of spelling/grammar mistakes, I don't care. It's a rant, deal. And I'm sure that there are lots of confusing parts and really just bad writing techniques but good God this isn’t' an essay. Deal with it.

#1

2008-07-15T22:24:24Z

So this is my first entry and I'm really just trying to figure this whole thing out. I have no idea what to expect or what to even do with this.. so I'm just going to spill out a couple things and hope that people find me because I have no idea how to do anything on this site!

Ok. So I guess things are pretty ok. Work is kind of annoying. I'm just not good with mean over ruling managers. That's all. =] It's just like.. Ok. If you want me to do your every whim with out a blink, give me a little respect k!? That's all I ask. That and a break or two. lol. But really. If you want me to jump through a hoop for you, atleast give me a treat when I do it right.

My 18th birthday wasn't too long ago, so I got a pretty nice camera... Only issue is i have NO time to do any filming! lol. I really miss filming because I didn't have any resorces. Now that i have atleast a camera and I'm getting a laptop with Final Cut EX on it soon, I should be able to start up that hobby again (big happy smiley!)

I think that last paragraph was the dorkiest thing I've EVER said. Not gunna lie. That was pathetic. But I'm genrally happy.

Anyways. So I think I'm going to start writing again. I think I'm going to write a short film. Something that has substance and could be actually done on my little camera.

Also... Help me figure this damn site out please/thank you!

dontcryemukid

Carpe Diem

#1